my heart belongs to the King.

I dont even know how I want to start this blog post. My mind is cluttered and my heart feels like its been ripped out of my chest. The more I sit here, I think about all the good times since I have surrendered to God and I think about all the bad times. Honestly there aren't many bad times. Since I have given everything to Christ, He has blessed me so much. He is always there, and even through the bad times, He finds some way to make me smile or to make something go right. I guess this past weekend was one of those bad times. The enemy ATTACKED ME. When God uses us the most, the enemy attacks. I gave my testimony to a group of women from First Baptist Concord on Sunday. It was a total blessing, and I guess I hadn't ever told my full testimony to anyone yet. I cried, to say the least. Well this past week I just didn't spend much time with God. I would think about it, but I just wouldn't open my bible. I still can't figure out why. Maybe satan? Maybe laziness? Well, what I do know is, I was about to be attacked. 

Even though the enemy was attacking me, God was with me. He will always be with me. But God also put people in my life this past weekend to strengthen me. I wasn't alone. That is a key word right there. 

‎"Who am I, but the dust of the Most High?" We are going to mess up. We are going to do wrong and we are going to make mistakes. But our hearts belong to the King and you can rest assured that tomorrow...IT STILL WILL. You can do nothing about today but learn, so grow.

I dont know about you, but that just gave me chills. The most amazing thing in the world is the amount of grace our God has for us. The fact that HE NEVER STOPS FIGHTING. I use imagery a lot when I am referring to God or my relationship with God, it gives me a more in depth explanation of what I'm trying to say... I guess. So what I see for the phrase up there is God and Satan fighting. Not just arguing but literally going to war, and when satan is attacking me, God, my God is right there fighting for me. Never backing down. My eyes are forming tears as I type this just thinking about that picture. God fighting for me. Even though I make mistakes, even though I turn around and sin and sin again, my heart belongs to the King and I can rest assured that tomorrow, it still will.

What gets me up in the morning is the fact that I no longer have a meaningless life to live, I belong to a Father that has ravished me with His love and has showered me with His grace. The fact that I KNOW God has an incredible plan for my life. I was just talking to God the other night when I was about to go to sleep and do you ever wish or long for God to just be here with you in human form? Just once? In my hardest times I just pray and pray and I find myself getting angry with God because the only one I want comfort from is Him. What I forget is that He also longs to be with His children. But just sometimes I get angry because he isn't in human form. Well as I'm laying there getting frustrated with Him because I can't literally see him, I feel this huge presence of comfort. Does that make sense? Haha. This sounds weird I guess, but I felt him just hugging me. I was almost in shock, I didn't want to move because I didn't ever want that feeling to go away. It was just him reassuring me that He was with me. HE ALWAYS IS. Through all my trials and tribulations, struggles and problems he is strengthening me.

Every time we believe the lie that we are still who we used to be, we are acting like grace never found us.

"Thats right. Because, I, Your God have a firm grip on you, don't panic, I'm right here to help you." 

God knows my hearts true desire is to live for Him completely, I only want Him. 

my mother...saved my life.

Gosh, it's literally 1 month until I leave for my discipleship training school in Hawaii. Either this month is going to fly by, or it's going to take forever. I really don't like waiting, patience is hard to have now-a-days. God is teaching me so much in this season of waiting and healing, it's so hard being here! Not only is it hard, but honestly I don't like it here. Of course I love my family and friends, but it's so frustrating... I want everything about Jesus every single day and being here is hard to focus on Jesus. Working in a restaurant is so discouraging, don't get me wrong I love my work but it's a hard environment to be in when I have just come out of a life of drinking, partying and doing everything BUT knowing Jesus. I can't believe how far God has brought me since just August!!! I guess some of you might not know my story very well so just to fill you in I got ravished by the love of Jesus around 4 or 5 months ago. For so long Satan controlled my mind, made me think things that weren't true, and took so many years away from me. Years where I was rebelling, drinking, partying, ignoring my family, and most of all being as distant from God as possible..... My life got SO bad that I just cried out to God. He had been chasing me, and waiting for me, and finally I gave in. And He said, "Enough is enough daughter, You are mine, I will never leave you, I love you."

Will Reagan (From Love War) just released his new CD Endless Years. If you don't have it, get it.....Now. It has changed my life. Well one of the songs in this CD is called Take Back, one part of this song says "We're gonna take back, all the enemy has stolen." When it comes to my relationship with Christ, I'm like a little kid on Christmas. I am so excited and amazed at everything God is doing to me. The line in that song literally gave me a revelation when I heard it. Everything Satan took from me for so long, I have gained back through Jesus Christ. I am defeating Satan. I don't know about you, but that makes me wanna tell everybody. 

Through the period of time when I was distant from God and my family, my mom was always there. If you don't know my mom..... YOU NEED TO. She is hilarious, beautiful, but most of all joyful. Her joy, laughter, and beauty literally shines off of her. She just has this natural essence about her that makes a person WANT to know her. She will make a friend to any stranger..... when I mean any stranger, I mean every person she has the chance to talk to. Anyways, my mom and I have always been really close. My mom named me Grace meaning "God's Gift" because she had 2 miscarriages before she had me. She calls me her FB....her FIRST BORN. Yes, I know what you are thinking. *Haha*

She always knew when something was wrong, I guess that's a mom thing but this is different. She knew when something really bad was going on. This is important. THIS is what saved my life. Not only did my mom know when something bad was happening, or when I was drinking too much, or when I was doing something bad.... She knew exactly what to pray for, and exactly how to pray. And let me just tell ya something, my mother is a PRAYER WARRIOR. Her prayer is what saved my life. She kept on praying. 

She. Never. Stopped. I don't think I have thanked her enough, and I don't know if she realizes that God used her to create a miracle. 

I never understood the power of prayer until I understood how long and how hard my mother prayed for a miracle to happen to me. I didn't know how much strength I had until I came to Jesus and found strength through Him to get me out of the life I was living. 

That's so powerful. I am forever grateful. Not only did I become happy, but I now have a love for Jesus that can never be taken from me, I have a family that is getting restored, and most of all I have made my mother one of the happiest people in the world. And THAT my friends, is what it's all about!

Truth.

Every tuesday of each week I go downtown to this place called Love War. It is just a group of people that get together to sing and worship our Father. I don't quite know how to explain how I've felt this week. I just know that every time I have prayed this week I've asked for God to draw near to me, I guess I've felt distant from God. So this tuesday I went to Love War with a heavy heart, not knowing what to expect but praying that God would just speak His truth to me. This guy got up and started to pray, and when he did, he prayed that God would just shower His truth onto each one of us, at that moment I knew God was trying to tell me something. The band started singing, "It's not complicated loving you, God". I smile even thinking about it, I lifted my hands and just accepted God's truth being spoken to me. 

To some, that might sound strange, but have you ever thought about it like that? I thought about how many relationships I have had, whether it be a boyfriend, a friend, or even a family member. I think about how complicated things can get sometimes and how frustrating it can be, but yet God is standing there, His arms wide open simply saying, "Its not complicated loving me, daughter." No matter how bad of a day I'm having, He doesn't go out of His way to make it worse... instead, He WANTS to show me His love, He WANTS to make me smile, He WANTS to bless me throughout the day. And he does! Somehow or in some way. Whether it's big or small, His timing is always right. He is so worthy of all of our praise. I just want more of Him everyday. 

It's also crazy to think about how if He hadn't been born, and if He hadn't of died for us, we would have no hope. It's HIS grace and mercy we receive that is available at any time!! He is teaching me a lot about being thankful. Thanking him for everything He has done, and everything He is doing for me. "A life of praise and thankfulness becomes a life filled with miracles." How could I not thank Him and praise Him every single day of my life for what He has done! His birth and death gives us hope, encouragement, joy, and power over sin. 

Even though this isn't anything new, I'm sure most of you have heard all of this before... It's SO important! God's truth has more power over the enemy.

Psalm 19:7-9

The revelation of God is whole

and pulls our lives together.

The signposts of God are clear

and point out the right road.

The life-maps of God are right, 

showing the way to joy.

The directions of God are plain

and easy on the eyes.

God's reputation is twenty-four-carat gold,

with a lifetime guarantee. 

The decisions of God are accurate

down to the nth degree.

It's not complicated loving you, Abba.

Believe.

Romans 4:19-25

"Abraham didn't focus on his own impotence and say, "It's hopeless. This hundred-year-old body could never father a child" Nor did he survey Sarah's decades of infertility and give up. He didn't tiptoe around God's promise asking cautiously skeptical questions. He plunged into the promise and came up strong, ready for God, sure that God would make good on what he had said. That's why it is said, "Abraham was declared fit before God by trusting God to set him right." But it's not just Abraham; it's also us! The same thing gets said about us when we embrace and believe the One who brought Jesus to life when the conditions were equally hopeless. The sacrificed Jesus made us fit for God, set us right with God."

FAITH WAS COUNTED TO ABRAHAM AS RIGHTEOUSNESS.

Even though Abraham might have been scared, or not ready to have a child at such an old age, he BELIEVED. He trusted God to be faithful to his promise. Abraham's faith was his covenant to God. His promise. When we just believe, trust, and have faith that God will do what He has said, God will reward us. It makes Him so happy when we CRY out to Him, because He wants to be there for us. He loves us. Belief is not just any word, it's truly trusting God to do what He has promised. THAT is beautiful. But why is it so hard?? I get so caught up in my own problems, situations, anger that I forget to just stop and give it to God. Trust Him to help me with my problems. 

God cannot promise us we will be with Him in heaven, God can only promise us that we will be with Him in heaven if we are obedient to Him. I have never really thought about it like that, I guess. 

Our relationship with God is based on a PROMISE, those who BELIEVE will be with Him forever. 

Always remember the Lord has a plan and it's done in His timing. Sometimes we wait, hopefully, patiently. Why? Because God is always up to something. Praise Him in times of despair. Praise Him in everything. It's so easy to get frustrated, mad, and annoyed. Satan feeds off of that! 

"I love God because he listened to me,

listened as I begged for mercy.

He listened so intently

as I laid out my case before him. 

Death stared me in the face,

hell was hard on my heels.

Up against it, I didn't know which way to turn;

then I called out to God for help:

"Please, God!" I cried out.

"Save my life!"

God is GRACIOUS- it is he who makes things right,

our most compassionate God.

God takes the side of the helpless;

when I was at the end of my rope, he saved me.

Psalm 116:1-6

Today, I am trusting in God's truth.

Thanksgiving :)

My BEAUTIFUL sister and I 

THANKSGIVING!

This is what we do.

Hahaha.

This is what I have been eating all week!!

2 surgeries in 1 day.... NEVER AGAIN.

ABIDE.

     Today.... The day before Thanksgiving. I feel like I should be so happy and so thankful, but its completely the opposite. I couldn't sleep last night because my mouth is still recovering from the surgery I had last week. I woke up today just tired, annoyed, and frustrated. I literally just sat on the floor of my living room and started crying.....I don't even know why!! As I sat there crying over nothing I realized I was just crying to myself. Crying because I wanted to I guess. I wasn't sitting there talking to God about why I was upset, I was simply sitting there feeling sorry for myself. 

 I decided to go running, thats always a good way to let off some steam. While I was running I caught myself just asking God for things, I kept asking and asking.... Then I stopped running. Why was I asking for so much? God has given me so much already. He has blessed me incredibly. He has done miracles in my life. I started running again and started thanking God for everything He has blessed me with until I was done running. Just getting to praise and rejoice to God for saving ME! 

God's little reminder yesterday :)

God is ready to redefine us if we let Him. HE wants to comfort us, encourage us, and challenge us. Our King restores us daily if we stop, listen, and be still. So many times I am so concerned with myself, with my problems that I don't take the time to just rest in God's presence and listen to what He is trying to say to me. He doesn't want us to just be on the go all the time, running around, sometimes we need to let go and let GOD. Just stop and be. 

Father, THANK YOU for the amount of power that is in Your name!

PRAISE GOD- for He USED me.

Well this week, I actually have time to sit down at my computer and write. Yesterday I had 2 surgeries done on my mouth, I got all four wisdom teeth taken out and I had the first of four surgeries on my 2 false teeth. Yes I have 2 false teeth. SO, I'm in quite a bit of pain with nothing to do!!! 

I just have to share with you all that God has provided the first 5,000 for my journey! How amazing is that?!? He not only has been blessing me but He has been teaching me every single day.

I'm so incredibly thankful for the month of November this year because it is a completely different season for me. Since I surrendered to Him, I've had times of weeping, times of joy, times of frustration, and times of gratefulness. Last month was just a month of frustration, waiting, getting impatient and God literally pulled me out of that season and the November 1st was a completely different season for me. God has been blessing me in abundance. This has been a time for me to just rejoice in his greatness, thank him for being my Savior. Ive never cherished a month so much. Also, I think the reason that my surgeries were at this time was to be able to literally lay at home and just rest, talk to God, and spend time with my family before I leave. This is really a special time for me, I've gotten so close to my family. 

I went to a worship service this past Sunday with my dear friend Sally Jernigan. I had never been before so when I got there I just remained silent and waited for it to start. It was a small worship service of about 30 college students in one living room. About half way through, one of the guys playing guitar stopped and said, "We don't usually do this, and without moving too much, turn to the people around you and pray over them and this new season." So Sally started praying over me and my journey that I am about to be going on. When she got done, I kept hearing God say, "The only place Satan can get to is your mind". When I turned my head away from Sally, the guy next to me had his head down. So without even knowing really what I was doing, I laid my hand on Sally and I laid my hand on the guy next to me and started praying for them. After I was done he asked if he could pray for us, and when he did, he started admitting personal things about his relationship with God, instead of praying for us he was telling us what was going on with him. When he realized he was doing this he stopped mid-sentence and started praying for us. When he was through, I turned to him nonchalantly and I said, "I think I'm suppose to tell you that the only place Satan can get to is your mind. God has your heart, He has had your heart from the beginning and He had never and will never let go. Whenever Satan puts thoughts like that into your head just cry out to God, he will transform those bad thoughts into good thoughts." The guy looked at me like I was crazy so of course I say,"I'm sorry did that make sense?? Was I just saying that Satan can get to your heart? Cause thats not what I meant!!! I meant...." The guy stopped me and said,"No that made perfect sense, thats actually just what I needed. That has been my struggle lately." Later on this week I got to talk to the guy and he said that he had actually been crying out to Jesus when those thoughts came to his head, he said that he has gotten closer to God through it. That brought me such JOY!!!

Not only did God use me to speak to him, the guy learned something through what God had spoke through me. And not only did that guy learn something but I did as well. I was almost proud of myself for what I had to said to that guy.... but it wasn't me who spoke to him.... it was GOD. God spoke through me. I couldn't boast in who I was, God had CHOSEN to work through me. Truly rejoicing in Abba takes humbling. PRAISE GOD- for He USED me!!! What God taught me is that I will be tempted to rejoice in the little things or a "power" God gave me- but instead of rejoicing in HOW God used me, I need to rejoice that my name is written in Heaven. Beautiful. 

Thank you Jesus for the amount of POWER that is in YOUR name!!! 

Tendons (The Release)

If the Titanic was made to sink then, so was my heart 

For I made sure it was impenetrable. 

Oh, what a wretched man I am who will save me from this flesh?

Paul whispers in my ear, "Oh, don't worry my friend, you're in good company."

Poets before me have tried to measure this love,

And if 40,000 brothers cannot with all of their quantity of love

Make up this sum,

Then how can my heart contain this mass?

It would only burst at the seams into a million tender pieces

SO WHAT THEN-

What good is a broken heart to You?

Could You even hear my heart from there?

And like a father assuring his son to come home,

"Oh my son, it's enough, it's enough." 

So who am I to accept this grace that just falls like rain,

Cause we all know i chose to lay my head in this desert.

But like a fish out of water, we only know then 

What it means to be parched.

So if Christ is alive, the love, and the groom

Then take HEED my friends, for chivalry is not dead!

For I know no other lover who would 

Have met me here in this place.

So I awake, and I rise from my bed of complacency, 

OH, my God I've been sleeping with a corpse!

Oh, and these bed sores, they still rest in my bones!

Oh, how I've made a beautiful dance of this cadaver

but my audience is appalled!

Oh, how strong these tendons-

How they desperately need to rip from this ancient Adam!

SO LIGHT UP THE SKY, AND SET ME A FLAME

BURN THIS BONE AND TISSUE

FOR I NO LONGER WANT TO BE ENTANGLED

IN THIS SINEW, THAT

HINDERS MY REACH...TOWARDS YOU.

Slow Down

So this past week has been super stressful, I've been working a TON with very little time to do much of anything else. I have less than 2 months before I leave for Hawaii, which got me frustrated this week thinking about how much I have to do. Mainly I was getting upset thinking about my plane ticket that I don't have and also all the fundraising I have yet to do. When I got frustrated and upset this past week I became selfish; how I reacted and how I handled myself was much of how my old life was. I kept thinking about what I could do to get the things done that I needed to, what I could do to try and make myself feel better, what I could do to try and help God. Well, let me tell ya folks, IT DOESNT WORK THAT WAY. In fact, things only get worse. 

What God was telling me was to stop, stop everything and just be. We don't need to know what is going to happen 50,000 steps ahead of us, we just need to listen to the voice of our Father. I was so focused on getting things done that I found myself doing the opposite. God isn't sitting shotgun in the car, He is the driver. HE is in control. So, I stopped, and I did the only thing that I knew to do - I cried out to Him. This is what He showed me, Proverbs 21:31 "Do your best, prepare for the worst, THEN trust God to bring the victory." Even in the midst of being stressed and angry, He remained faithful and showed me the answer I needed. Though there is pain and suffering in the night, JOY truly comes in the morning! 

Today I found out that my dad has enough frequent flyer miles with American Express that my entire flight to Hawaii is paid for. FREE. That is the faithfulness of our God. Right after I found that out I went to tell my mom, I also asked her to pray about the $1,000 I need for school BEFORE I leave....She said, "I have it." AMAZING. All in one day God gives me all the answers I was so stressed about earlier this week! 

God's blessings will flow in abundance if you listen to the voice who created you.

RAVISHED

When I let God come into my heart He truly started to change it...I had to follow my HEART instead of following my mind. The only place Satan can get to is your MIND, God had my heart from the beginning.

A little bit about me... I grew up in a loving Christian home in Knoxville, Tennessee. I have one BEAUTIFUL little sister named Rosie, and a little Boston Terrier named Ellie. I went to a Christian school all through elementary and middle school, then a public school all through high school. My parents got divorced when i was a freshman in high school. Thats right about when things started getting a bit twisted. I started to rebel against any authority, which led me to bad decisions, bad situations, and bad consequences. 

The beautiful thing about a broken life, is what God can do to it. He turned my pain, my pride, my selfishness, my shame, into something so beautiful. God had his hands around me through it all! His promises never fail. God's love for us is bigger than anything we can comprehend. Tonight as I sit here marveling at God's amazing grace, I think back to my past. No matter how much I had sinned, no matter how many times I ran from God, HE NEVER STOPPED LOVING ME. How amazing is that? I just want to tell the whole world!! The freedom I have right now I want to share! God amazes me. 

I always thought the quote "Follow your heart" was so dumb. I never had a response for it, but now that I am saved by Jesus, I understand. For the 7 years I was running from God I would listen to my mind. I would make myself think things that totally were not true. I made myself believe I didn't need God. I was searching for truth in the wrong places, and finally I gave up. I gave up trying to be someone I wasn't, I gave up trying to run from the One who made me and gave His LIFE for me, I gave up trying to believe what SATAN was putting in my mind. The ONLY place Satan can get to is your mind. God had my heart from the very start. God had me in His hands all along, and when I finally decided to follow what God had put on my heart..... EVERYTHING changed.

A New Beginning.

Dear Friends and Family,

As most of you know, I am 20 years old. At the age of 16 I started to rebel, not only against my parents and any kind of authority, but also against God. This led me to a life of drinking and partying, hanging out with the wrong people, and dating the wrong men. I didn't realize it at the time, but I started getting used to that life, and it became a habit, which led me to a series of events that I will never forget. Events that have shaped my life, events I would never want anyone to go through. Yet through it all, God had his hands around me, keeping me safe. I sit here today thanking God I'm not dead, knowing that reason I'm not, is because He has HUGE plans for my life.

God has changed my life in the last 3 months and I've never been happier. I went to the Experience Conference in Orlando, Florida this past summer with my father. One night before the worship service, I sat down and wrote in my journal; it was a prayer to God asking him that all the chains attached to my past life would be broken. The band started playing and we were led to take communion. For some reason I got the feeling that this communion would be special; I wanted to go up to get it when I felt like God was leading me to. I waited, and waited, people kept trickling up there one by one and finally I felt like the time was right. I started to walk up to the altar and right as I was reaching into the big bowls they had set up for communion, at that moment, the band sand the line "Your chains are gone, you have been set free." Suddenly, I felt this huge burden come off my shoulders. I don't say this in exaggeration, I say this because it is the power of God's grace and restoration.

January 3, 2013, God has blessed me with the opportunity to do a discipleship training school with YWAM (Youth With A Mission), University of the Nations Kona Campus in Hawaii. This school will run for 6 months (24 weeks). It has a 12 weeks lecture phase where we will be going deeper in God's word and really seeking Him. The other 12 weeks will be an outreach phase where we will use what we have been taught to go out and love and mission to others in a different country. I will be in Central Asia for my outreach phase, when I get to Kona, Hawaii, we will be praying as to where specifically God is calling us.

YWAM was shown to me by one of my dear friends, Abbie Thumler, who has been involved with it. I applied knowing I needed a big change in my life and knowing that my biggest desire is to go deeper with God. Through it all, God has been so faithful and has really given me reassurance that this is what is in His will for me. For God to save me from death, save me from a sinful life going nowhere, and for me to turn around and sin everyday, yet He still showers His grace and forgiveness on me, ravishes me with His love, I have no other desire than to praise and please Him the rest of my life. YWAM is going to be just the start of an incredible life changing journey that God has planned for me. I am SO EXCITED... to say the least!

Partner with me on this journey. I will be away from home for six months and can only do this with your help. First, more than anything, please pray. The power of prayer from so many wonderful friends and family will be needed. I will be completely out of my comfort zone in every way. Second, please consider partnering with me financially. I know that God has set up every part of this YWAM journey, including how the budget for me to go will be raised. I have been working and saving for the last 3 months to prepare. In addition, I know that God is preparing some of you to partner with me in this way as well. If you feel God is leading you, or you feel you would like to partner with me in some way, you can find my contact information, here. I will need to raise $10,000 for the school and outreach. If you would like to partner me financially, please make checks payable to me (Grace Carroll) with YWAM in the memo line. I will be sending you regular updates so I can let you know how God is using the support you send.

MY DISCIPLESHIP TRAINING SCHOOL PHASE -- It's an intense, short-term missions training opportunity set in the amazing YWAM University of the Nations Kona campus. But this is not just Bible camp in the sun. We will spend 12 weeks in Kona, Hawaii, hearing and learning from some of the mothers and fathers of the modern missions movement, as well as people God is using in radical ways around the globe. We will combine teaching lectures, small groups, one-on-ones, prayer and worship, serving the base and simple assignments with a lot of fun in a unique community.

MY OUTREACH PHASE IN CENTRAL ASIA -- It will be an opportunity to work in a cross-cultural environment, serving the community and letting God use us. It is a time to put into practice the things we will learn on lecture phase. It is about being God's hands, feet, and mouth to people. We will be serving and experiencing what a cross-cultural missions life could be life. It is about being obedient to do what God asks us to do, even in the moments when we are afraid or things are uncertain. It is about God stretching us and showing us He is faithful. It will be a life changing trip.

Thank you all so much for your love and support through this. It amazes me and warms my heart to know how many people I have encouraging, supporting, and motivating me through this time. I love you all so much!

"I want a lifetime of holy moments. Every day I want to be in dangerous proximity to Jesus. I long for a life that explodes with meaning and is filled with adventure, wonder, risk, and danger. I long for a faith that is gloriously treacherous. I want to be with Jesus, not knowing whether to cry or laugh." 

-- Mike Yaconelli